Getting Past No was written by William Ury and Roger Fisher. They created the manual for negotiations. And as most of the time - great wisdom are the simple things. That is what it boils down to in this book - five simple steps:

1. Go to the balcony - (control your reactions)

2. Step to their side (try to understand their point of view)

3. Don’t reject, reframe (do not say “NO” - rephrase their words)

4. Build them a golden bridge (give them something to say YES to)

5. Bring them to their senses, not their knees (don’t force them to say YES)

This sounds pretty easy to do - but is hard to remember and needs a lot of practice. So do not expect to be a master of negotiation after reading this book and trying it a few times. You will definitely see improvements, but there is more. So, let’s take a closer look at these five steps.

First - the balcony. I do like this picture. It is really important to be and keep in control of your reactions. Emotional actions hurt fast and cut deep wounds. Avoiding those unnecessary fights and scares helps both you and your counterpart. The balcony is basically a place you imagine and move your self to when things are getting emotionally in you or during the discussion. From that spot, like a military general, you have a great view on the battle field and enough air to breath and to calm down.

In step two you already need to be calm and able to switch point of views with your counterpart. If you understand how they are feeling and what their intentions are - it is easier to find a solution that fits both parties. Most important point here is that everybody loves to talk about one self. So ask until you are sure, you understand completely the other party.

This takes us to step three - “Don’t reject”. As you as your question, it is important not to hurt the other party or push them away by rejecting any of their ideas. A situation similar to trying to find a lake behind a wall by throwing stones over it and listening to them landing either on grass or in the water.

Once you follow all these steps - you often may stop after step 4 - the golden bridge. What is a golden bridge? Basically it is the best solution for both. Some common middle ground where everybody wins. It is not always easy to find - and not always easily seen by both. But pointing the discussion towards a golden bridge can end any argument peacefully.

One thing that I have not mentioned yet - and that is the big lecture I personally took from reading this book is: Always have a BATNA which translate into “best alternative to a negotiated agreement”. Once you enter a negotiation you should have made up your mind what the worst, but still acceptable outcome could be for you. Without a BATNA you will always end up unhappy and frustrated. But with it you still have an option if worse comes to worse. You could either stop the negotiation and escalate the topic or you get away with the necessary minimum - the BATNA. As a good friend once said: being prepared grants you 70% of the victory.

Cheers!